Happy Sunday everyone!❤️
This week I wanted to do something a little different for the newsletter. Instead of including the regular excerpt of an article, book review, podcast recommendation, and the thinker of the week, I’ve decided to send you a full article I wrote this week.🙏
It’s my favorite and probably most personal piece I’ve written, so here you go.✌🏻
Rest assured that next week I will include two book recommendations, and two podcast recommendations in the newsletter (and they are some gems you won’t want to miss.)☺️
Enjoy.
3 Soul-Crushing Pieces of Advice That Transformed Me on a Deeper Level
Having your heart stomped on by the people around you is a potent trigger for change.
Sometimes, insults can feel like bullets lodging themselves into our flesh. Or a heartbreak can leave you paralyzed by painful emotions. Then there’s that moment when someone back-stabs you, slicing your trust down the middle.
Every time we go through an experience that challenges us emotionally, we come out the other side with a fresh perspective and a thicker skin. Sure, when we're presently experiencing betrayal, heartbreak, or insults, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If there is one thing philosophy has taught me, it’s that having a calm stoic demeanor in times of emotional upheaval is a necessity. Because after the storm passes, everything will make sense.
These soul-crushing moments are invaluable lessons that we have to go through on our individual paths. It is only through the lowest points that we can journey towards the top of the mountain of happiness.
Here are three things people have said to me that were hard to hear at the time but were pivotal in my development as a person.
I. “You can’t rely on me for anything, I have a life too.”
This piece of ‘advice’ came from an ex-girlfriend. Getting your heart broken by someone you have been with for years is always going to be a rough experience.
Your emotions come pouring out of your body like a tsunami of indescribable pain. It seems like there is no end to the suffering. But through experience, we’ve all learned that there is an end, a light at the end of the tunnel.
Let me give you a quick rundown of the scenario of this situation. This was a time where I was more lonely than ever before, I was depressed.
For the first time I confessed these repressed emotions to my then partner, then long story short, the line quoted above was blurted out and I got dumped.
It seems like there is no end to the suffering
It was rough, but I am so thankful for it. I received an invaluable lesson that no self-help books or youtube video could have ever given me.
Lesson one — Self-reliance:
I learned the importance of self-reliance and maintaining genuine friendships. The only reason this scenario hurt me so badly was because I wasn't relying on my own independence.
The source of my happiness was being sustained in another individual I loved. This was a criminal mistake. I set myself up for disaster, it was only a matter of time before the roof of this perfect home came caving in.
Getting sucked into relationships is far too easy. You are overrun by exhilarating emotions that you forget the important part; to always be self-reliant before relying on someone else.
I even have this message engraved into my skin for the rest of my life.
Lesson two — The value of friendship:
I also finally understood the importance of friendships. When in a relationship, it can seem like all your needs can be met in this one person, so going out with friends isn't a priority.
But after this experience and reading an essay called On Friendshipby 16th-century French philosopher Michel de Montaigne, it was as if the murky waters finally cleared.
I was left with acrystal clear formula for happiness. It was lying at the bottom of the lake all along. Your friends are always going to be there for you, that bond is further embedded in your loyal emotions than a lustful and romantic relationship is.
“The love of friends is a general universal warmth, temperate moreover and smooth, a warmth which is constant and at rest…What is more, sexual love is but a mad craving for something which escapes us.” — Michel de Montaigne
“The perfect friendship which I am talking about is indivisible: each gives himself so entirely to his friend that he has nothing left to share with another” — Michel de Montaigne
Most relationships are temporary and end up being damaging in nature. Friendships on the other hand are known to outlast romantic relationships, with researchers even stating that the most long-lasting marriages start out as friendships.
It is only through the lowest points that we can journey towards the top of the mountain of happiness.
II. “Stop being so sensitive about everything…You’re gonna spend the rest of your life sulking in your room at this point. Get a grip”
It is no hidden fact that I am an extremely sensitive person. I don't know why, but my skin is thinner than a tissue. The things I get offended over are ridiculous…
This crazy level of sensitivity I was experiencing was polluting my daily life.
This brutal piece of advice came from a longtime friend. And yes, I know, it may not seem like a big deal to others, but for someone as sensitive as me, it was.
If anything, this just reinforced the Stoic principles I had been diligently trying to drill into my brain. Teachings that tell you to separate yourself from irrational emotions.
“The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts” — Marcus Aurelius
“Choose not to be harmed‚and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed‚and you haven’t been.” —Marcus Aurelius
This crazy level of sensitivity I was experiencing was polluting my daily life. Every other interaction I would have with someone, I’d either end up frantically putting myself in defense mode, or getting upset.
The mental wake up call:
Now I appreciate that most of you reading this won't be as sensitive as I am, but this can prove as a wake-up call to everyone that we need to have a mental barrier of fortitude that shields us from the harsh words of others.
The Stoics called this the Inner Citadel. If you can try and cultivate an unshakeable fortress of emotional stability in your mind, the irrational emotions won't be able to break through.
Sure, we will still feel offended and upset, we are only humans. But we can learn to make the choice to not let them get past the walls of the inner citadel.
III. “You are too full-on, I can't be bothered anymore”
This came from my best friend since 4 years of age. We grew up together like brothers. We were inseparable. Up until the age of 18, I was never known as just ‘Julian’ by my friends, it was always ‘Jamie and Julian’.
The fact of the matter is that friends do love each other, although it is not a romantic love as we are most familiar with, it’s a deep appreciation and care for the other.
I am a very giving person to the people around me. Again, I think it goes back to my principal fault of placing too much reliance on individuals close to me.
With this friend, I gave everything to him. Brought him on family holidays growing up, basically inviting him into my family. But what did I receive back? Nothing.
You are the most important person in your own life, and you will never feel truly fulfilled until you start treating yourself like so.
I was placing someone else's wellbeing above my own, and when confronted with the harsh reality that they didn't care about me as much as I cared about them, it was slightly soul-crushing.
“And until one is truly kind to oneself, giving love and kindness to others is imposssible” —Into The Magic Shop by Dr James R Doty
A lesson to place yourself first:
The fundamental change that this caused for me was finally having the realization that I needed to value my own well-being above other people’s.
You are the most important person in your own life, and you will never feel truly fulfilled until you start treating yourself like so.
Whilst my unconditional giving towards my friend was seen as “too full-on”, I saw this as an opportunity to find a new recipient of this selfless giving; myself.
Final Thoughts
Human relationships are fragile. We often give them our all, becoming blind to the things that actually matter and forgetting the importance of self-care.
Yes, we will all get hurt in life by the people closest to us, but this is not in the slightest a bad thing. We should be grateful for the pain. This can be hard to do, but the only way to grow as a person is through experiencing these lows.
Everything happens for a reason. We should love our fate and everything that happens to us “Amor Fati”, because these situations can trigger life-long positive changes.
Through my first heartbreak when battling depression, I was shown the importance of cultivating friendships and becoming my own source of my happiness.
Being told the brutal truth about my sensitivity taught me to become more mentally resilient to other people's words. Because taking offense holds you back in life.
Before giving to others, make sure you’ve got what you need yourself because love and kindness to yourself should always precede.
And that’s it from me guys. 👍
I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading this because it is my favorite article I’ve written thus far. Leave me a comment if you want! I love hearing from others.
Remember, next week I’ll resume the usual book recommendations, podcast recommendations, and thinker of the week.
See you next week. Love,
Julian.❤️